Sometimes you go to bed and wake up the next morning and everything is different and you don’t know why. You are happy one day and paralyzed with anxiety the next. All of a sudden you love green olives or don’t care about your bad hair or you might just hate everything. Sometimes nothing makes sense.
Sometimes you are madly in love and you put yourself through an emotional torture because there’s a tiny little slim chance that you’ll get some what you want. Everyone you know tells you to move on, to leave it behind, to assert yourself and demand what you deserve. And you can’t and you can’t and you can’t and you can’t and then all of a sudden, one day you can, and you realize it is simple – block — defriend — unfollow — delete — exit — the end!
Sometimes the only future you can see is a certain way. Eggs at brunch and comfortable sex and Bed Bath and Beyond forever. When you lose that vision is like a death. You will have to mourn it, say goodbye and start to think, “This can never be,” instead of “If only.” And then you’re faced with the awful, magical, existentially dreadful indefinite future where you have a world of possibility available to you yet nothing is for certain. No guarantees. No security. But no f-cking toxicity.
Nothing makes sense but nothing is confusing either. The second you’re left alone you realize that things aren’t so bad, really. Unfamiliar, but not bad. And you get used to it. You wrap yourself in the comfortable blanket known as the exhale and then the not-making-sense part becomes the status-quo part. It feels good. Lovely even, like an over-poured glass of wine in the middle of the day.
Then there will be the times when you think the part that makes sense doesn’t make sense and the not-making-sense part does. It’s like getting knocked off your feet in the ocean and being unsure where the surface is as you get tossed and trashed around by the unpredictable current. Given the choice, would you rather be tortured but feel deep and meaningful or happy but complacent? Is it better to have a healthy relationship in the present tense or the hope of a happier, longer one in the hypothetical future? Do you even know what you want?
It doesn’t make sense and it might not ever again. But maybe if you try really hard or relax in the recognition that it doesn’t, you can make a little sense of the nonsense.
